My Vagina

By Larry Taft as told to John Hughes

From the April 1979 issue of National Lampoon

(Click on Picture for Larger Version)

Teenage guy ooking into his shortsOne morning last winter, um, I woke up and, well, I was asleep and then I woke up, and what I found was, um, well, I woke up, and there it was, and myÖwhat should have been there wasnít and what was there wasÖit wasÖa vagina. I mean, I was a sixteen-year-old guy with a box! I had a damn ugly, hairy womanís privates and it was gross and sickening, and I was so pissed off I wanted to punch it right in the face!

------

When I went to bed I had a regular guyís cock and nuts and pubic hair. But when I woke up and looked inside my pajamas, all that stuff was gone and instead I had thisÖvagina and hardly any hair down there and a butt that was pink and bald. It was so disgusting Iím surprised I didnít just march downstairs and go out in the garage and not pull up the door and start my momís station wagon and die. How could I be a guy when I had a twat? I mean, what was I? Where was my "dick"? Where were my balls? Why did all of this happen?

I thought about it a lot and I think what maybe happened was I tried to get high off the gas thatís supposed to be inside a can of whipped cream and I was also smoking a lot of Kools, and I eat real shitty and I always sit too close to the TV and I never read with good light and IÖwell, like a lot of guys my age IÖdo a lot ofÖ"self-jacking off." It was either that or God did it.

But anyway, there I was with a vagina. Oh, by the way, it isnít polite to say this and Iím not being conceited, but the dick I used to have was a pretty good one. It wasnít so big that it was gross and it wasnít so tiny that it was a joke, and it didnít have moles or spots on it like that of a guy who was in my gym class two years ago (Jim S.), and it didnít bend over to one side when it was in a "hard-on." My balls were O.K., too, and my hair was decent and my rear end was normal, and I was overall happy with that stuff and I was super-sorry to see it gone, really.

So, like, there I was, you know, on the edge of the bed looking down into my lap, and instead of seeing this thing I just saw this shitty little wad of hair. I wouldnít exactly say I cried, but I will admit that I felt so bad that my eyes got really runny, and felt sad because, you know, I was All-Conference in three sports and I wanted to eventually get a football scholarship to Michigan State or USC, and I had just bought a motorcycle (Kawasaki) and a new stereo (with Bose speakers, MAC amp, and Nakamichi deck), and I had started to shave, and all my friends were friends because I was a guy, and who the fuck but a girl would ever want to be a girl except a homo and I am not a homo! Thatís a fact. Even though I had a pussy I was not a queer! I hate that and I hated it then and I will hate it all of my life, and I looked up "homosexuality" in the dictionary and in a bunch of other books, and having a vagina doesnít make you a homosexual. Liking guys makes you a homosexual, but you have to like them so much that they are like girls to you (and that is a requirement), and I didnít so I wasnít a homo, I swear to God.

Well, anyway, there I was. I had this pussy and I was feeling real pissed off because I thought my life was over. Then it occurred to me: like, there was a girlís thing only about a foot and a half from my eyes and only about two inches from my hand, you know. So I figured that itís not every day that a guy my age gets to look at an actual living girlís thing, and as long as I wanted to in the daylight and do to it whatever stuff I wanted to do to it, it was O.K., you know? So I sort of "forgot" about how I was freaking out and I opened the thing up and took a peek.

I never saw one in the light. I only felt them in the dark, and, of course, I saw a few hundred in magazines, you now, but never one in the light that was a 3-D one. It was quite a shock to see how big it was. I measured it with a sheet of notebook paper, which is eight-and-one-half inches wide, and it was almost as long as the whole sheet of paper was wide from the top of the hair down to the edge of the butt. A vagina is not like a dick, you know. A dick is just a thing, which is a stick with two balls, and thatís it and itís real simple. But a vagina is a whole bunch of stuff all crammed in there and buried in a whole bunch of skin and called a vagina although, according to my dictionary, the vagina is only the actual hole part.

Starting at the top, which was the closest part to me and which was just a lot of hair: it was a nice V shape and it didnít spread out all over and become leg hair, like on a guy. It was pretty soft hair, soft of like camelís hair sport coat material only longer and curlier, and sort of darkish-brownish blond. You know how guysí hairs are really weirded-out, you know, all twisted up and strange? Girlsí hairs are perfect and cool.

O.K., so then I moved down to the middle part and I poked around in there and I found the beginning of the inside skin part. Do you know that the Mississippi River is so small up in Minnesota, where it starts, that you can step over it? Thatís sort of like the same with a vagina. Itís very small at the top and then it gets big and complicated. Where I had my thumb was like the "source" and it was just the beginning, and there werenít any holes or flaps or anything. Just a small curve.

Then all the skin started. Boy, is there ever a lot of skin! There is probably enough extra skin down there to make a whole face. Itís all tucked in and wrinkled up, and at first, it doesnít make any sense. It just looks like somebody got it drunk and just mushed everything in there. That skin is soft of two-tone. Itís fleshish/pinkish outside and then when you get inside itís redder, like inside-the-mouth skin, and it is very soft and sticky. And it get stickier the closer you get to the hole, and then itís just "wet." It also can be, like, "molded," and I made a bird shape out of the real long flaps that sort of hang out.

Anyhow, itís all defined into things called, I think, lips, and I think there are about four sets of them, although Iím not sure because they are all attached to each other. Inside all those lips is the actual hole. Iím not sure what all that skin is for except maybe for "show" because, who knows, when we were cavemen maybe guys thought all that stuff looked cool. But anyway, the hole itself isnít even just a hole. Like, it has lots of ridges and bumps and stuff in it, and itís not really a hole like a hole in the ground is a holeóitís more like an opening because itís sort of closed up, and it moves around and opens up and closes; like if you cough, it shuts and if you yawn, it opens up.

It was as deep as a Little League trophy and it stretched, too. So, like, it fit a Magic Marker, and it also stretched big enough to hold a Polaris submarine model. There is a lump up at the end of the hole, and I donít know what it is exactly because itís awful dark in there, even if you take the mirror off your desk and lay it on the floor and squat over it and shine a great big hunterís flashlight up there. But I guess itís just all that reproduction stuff that girls have.

Also, another kind of gross thing about a vagina is that it smells kind of bad. Pardon me for being kind of sickening, but itís true. I smelled on before on my old girl friend and then it smelled O.K., but I think that when you are a guy and you are real hot and with a girl and you are kissing and feeling and all that, I think your nose gets confused, and a vagina doesnít smell bad at allóin fact, it smells pretty cool in a kind of gross way. But when you are just a guy and you are by yourself, your vagina reeks. They must all do that because there seems to be a lot of those antiperspirant deodorant sprays for females over by the Kotexes at the grocery store.

The other important thing about the vagina was that I located that "little thing." It is so small that you can hardly see it! Which is ridiculous because, man, thereís a lot of room down there for all kinds of stuff that doesnít even have anything to do with sex. This "little thing" was about as big as the pusher-inner thing on a ball-point penóitís that tiny! So that may be why girls are not all that crazy about sex, not like guys are. But anyway, besides being so tiny, itís also buried in a wad of skin. I had to uncover it to get to the good part, and itís really good because itís so sensitive that when I touched it I got a huge shiver! I was a sex shiver, but I think it was also a go-to-the-bathroom shiver because I had to whizz like crazy!

"Holding it in" when you are a girl is hard because, where are the hold-it muscles? In a guy they are back near your rear end. So I had to get to the bathroom pretty fast since I didnít know how to use that thing. I was very glad that my mom and my dad and my sisters were gone, because my sister was in a figure skating thing so I didnít have to worry about anybody seeing me, which was one good thing so far.

By having two sisters and a mom, you know, I knew a little bit about how girls go to the bathroom, and, I know, thank God, that you better sit down because you donít have anything to point. You just have a little hole, and if you stand up, believe me, it wonít work very well; in fact, it will be a huge mess. Sitting down is the stupidest way in the world to take a leak. Itís over so fast you donít have time to read or anything, and like, what do you do with your hands? Another thing about sitting down is that you get everything wet and you have to waste a lot of toilet paper.

Also a vagina makes a rude sound when you use it to go to the bathroom. Itís like thisófiiiiiiiissssssss, fiss, fiss, fiiiiiiiissssssss. Itís a typical girlís sound, real high and dainty and gross. Well, after getting the go-to-the-bathroom business out of the way, I decided to have a look at myself in the big mirror on the back of the door and look at my whole body. I took off my pajama bottoms and then my top and then I got more bad news!

I had two tits! Shit! What a fucking pain in the ass this whole thing was turning intoónext thing I knew I would be down in the basement doing a load of laundry with my mom! Well, at least nobody in my family except my Grandma Jessie, who had torpedo tits but is dead now, has large tits, so I was flat like my mom and sisters. ButÖI had big brown nipples. I wouldnít have anything to do with the girls who had brown nipples myself. I personally consider that a deformity and if I ever found out that my wife had them I would get a divorce. Plus, they were huge and lopsided! So, not only did I get screwed by having tits in the first place, but I also got screwed by having gross ones. Just my luck!

I looked at myself and it was weird. I had muscular-type arms (with the kind of veins that stick out from working out with weights) and hairy pits like normal and good shoulders and neck, and then these smallish tits with big nipples, and a belly button and good stomach ripples and no hair on my check below my stomach or below my belly button, and thenÖthe vagina. My legs were slimmer than they used to be, I think. When I turned around and looked at my butt it was real neat. I kind of liked it. It was real round and, well, it was pink and cute and there wasnít any hair on it and it was justÖcute. It was a girlís cute little butt.

Anyway, you know, that got boring real fast, just looking in the mirror, so I kind of walked back to my room and I looked around to see if I walked like a girl does and I did, sort of. Then I went into my room. Then what I did wasÖwell, I think, but Iím not sure, what I think I did was what would still be considered "jacking off." It felt pretty good and I had an "orgasm," but I wasnít doing it just to jack off. It was more like an experiment that kind of turned into jacking off, only with a girlís vagina itís more like "rubbing off" because thereís nothing to jack.

What I did at first was pretend my hand was me and my vagina was this girl friend I used to have so I could sort of see what it was like for her what I did to her when we were on dates and once at her parentsí cottage up north. I think it must have felt lousy because what I did seemed like it had been good, but it wasnít at all. It doesnít feel that great to have somebody shoving their finger in and out of you real fast, and it doesnít feel good at all to get your breasts squeezed and pinched. What does feel good is just old-fashioned rubbing down there. You donít have to fool around with the hole at all because it doesnít have hardly any nerves, so donít waste your time. I know, because later on I tried a lot of stuff, like carrots and candles and hot dogs and breakfast links and one of those toilet paper holder things and rolled up Cliff Notes (Brave New World) and bananas and a cucumber and a hairbrush handle and even an old GI Joeís head, and none of them made me have an orgasm. The hole is just for "intercourse" with men.

So, I was rubbing away and then, all of a sudden, I hit the jackpot, and my legs started jumping around and my hips started going back and forth automatically and there was this tremendous tickle feeling up my butt and then zing! It was over, but then another one started coming. Zing! Zing! Zing! Zing! More and more! Note like a guyís at all! Smaller, but tons and tons of them! Guysí are over right away and thatís the end of it, and you donít ever want to do it again in your whole life and you feel like a slob and girls are revolting to think about and you want to just burn the magazine you were looking at, you know. But not with a vagina! You can keep going and going and going and there isnít even any mess to clean up. All the messy stuff goes on inside. Also no "hard-on" is required, you know. Youíre ready to do it any time of the day or the nightóitís really pretty cool. And there is no way for anybody to tell that you did it because thereís nothing to poke out of your pajamas. Finally, I had to stop because all that feeling good was starting to feel bad, and I was getting sort of afraid that I might have a heart attack or something. When I looked at the clock, I couldnít believe it! I had been masturbating that thing for almost three hours and, boy, was it sore!

Also, it was almost time to go to my swim meet, which was real important, and I would be in a lot of trouble if I missed it, and Iíd let down all the guys on the team and theyíd be pissed off. So I washed my hands about fifty times until they smelled like hands again, and then I got dressed. But my shirt scratched up my nipples and my underpants didnít fit because there wasnít a guyís "thing" to fill it up right. I figured I better wear a bra or I might make my tits bleed or something, or I could get cancer or who knows, I sure didnít!

It was really creepy and weird to be going through my sisterís underpants and bras and boyfriendsí letters drawer looking for a bra to wear. There were a whole bunch of them, so I picked out the lightest-weight one that wouldnít show the most, and it was one of those real thin ones and it was O.K. except, how do you put it on? They are real easy to fasten and unfasten when you are holding them in your hand, but when you put them on and put your bosoms in the holders you canít reach behind you far enough to fasten them, which I think is stupid unless women have longer arms and narrower backs. I tried and tried and it was no use, so finally I just had to fasten it, then lay it on the floor, and then step into it and pull it up over my legs and my hips and my stomach and then my chest, and then stick my bosoms in. But that kind of stretched it out and tore it a little in the middle between the holders. Boy, what a pain!

I decided that I may as well take a pair of underpants as long as I was in her drawer and feeling creepy anyway. At first, I didnít think I would wear any underpants at all, but if you have a vagina you have to wear underpants because those things leak all the time. I found a nice pair of red ones with a little kitten sewed on the butt. They were real soft and smooth and silky and cool, and they were much better than guysí underpants, and I thought itís too bad that guys donít get a chance to appreciate really nice underwear, except I guess if guys wore this kind of underwear theyíd just spend too much time thinking about how good their underpants felt and they wouldnít get their work done and theyíd get fired. By the way, if I had had my regular guyís "thing," I would have gotten a hard-on when I looked at myself in my sisterís mirror, because without my arms and my head and my feet I was a pretty cool-looking girl.

So I was all ready to go and I went out to the garage to get my motorcycle. I had a lot of trouble just holding it up, and kicking it over was almost impossible for me because I was just weaker, it seemed, than I was before, and I didnít know if it was because I spent so much time masturbating the vagina, or that I didnít eat breakfast, or that maybe I was losing my muscles as part of the deal getting a vagina in the first place.

But after I got it going I had another problem. I was sitting right on top of my "little thing" and the motorcycle was vibrating. That made me have more orgasms, and I just sat there and revved the engine for about ten minutes enjoying it until I was afraid that it would blow up. Then I had to ride, and itís pretty dangerous to drive a motorcycle when you are having non-stop orgasms, especially making a left-hand turn when you are moaning and your hips are moving automatically. I almost creamed myself by running into a truck because I didnít want to let up on the gas since the vibrations were just perfect. It is no surprise to me why there arenít any girls motorcycle gangs or motorcycle cops. I made it to school, but almost not, and my bottom was soaking wet.

I had two problems with the swim meet. Actually, I had three, but number three was the problem of changing into my bathing suit in front of the other guys (and that problem went away because I was late because I went around the parking lot a couple of extra times to finish off my last orgasm). The other two problems were hiding my tits and not having a lump to make it look like I had my regular guyís "thing" when I put on my bathing suit. We wear little thin bathing suits and your thing shows a lot, so to not have your thing show would make people suspicious, and the last thing I needed was to have the whole school know about my vagina, so I put a sock in there, took off my bra, and put my shirt back on and wore it into the pool area and didnít take it offóand that covered up my tits.

The coach was pissed, but I was in the next race they were just about to start so he couldnít be pissed at me for too long. Anyway, I walked over to the edge of the pool and bent over like I was going to dive in with my arms in front of me, and I took off the shirt and I sort of tossed it to the side (but close enough so I could get it when the race was over), and I just stayed in that tucked position so that no one would see my tits or my brown nipples. Except that this dipshit guy from the other school took forever to get ready, and I must have looked like a real jerk being all tucked under and ready to begin the race three or four minutes before we started. Then when we started the race I was so stiff I could hardly keep up, but that was my smallest problem as it turned out.

When I hit that warm water something happened to my stomach and it started to hurt, and when I got to the end of the pool the coach was waving his arms like crazy, and when I finished going into my first turn I saw what he was waving at! It was red and it was a big cloud in the water andóguess whatóit was coming out of me. I had my period!

Holy shit! I wanted to drown! I was treading water with my period and my tits and my vagina, and about 100 people were all watching me! Somehow I had enough brains at the time to swim over to where my shirt was and I covered my tits, and the coach came running over and he was real concerned. I told him I had an infected pimple on my groin and that it was bleeding, and he got kind of mad at me for not telling him because of the dangers of spreading infection and all that crap. Then he said to go get dressed and see my family doctor and not to get blood poisoning.

I was so glad to get out of there! But I wasnít that glad because I still had my period an I had a long way to go to get home. But after just a couple of minutes I knew I would never make it home unless I did something that was so horrible and embarrassing that I almost didnít do it.

Do you know what itís like to go into a girls bathroom when you are not a girl? Itís awful, but where else can a guy get a Kotex? I hurried down the hall as fast as I could with a whole towel stuffed in my pants. I went across the hall and through the cafeteria to the girlsí bathroom way over by the music room where there wouldnít be anybody, and there wasnít anybody so I was happy about that.

There were two machines in there. One for Kotexes and the other was for Tampaxes. I didnít know anything about that stuff (my only experience with female hygiene was filling up a sink and soaking them to see how big they get), and I didnít know what to do then, but I bought one of each. They were only ten cents apiece, which was pretty cheap. I am not a moron, itís just that when a guy gets his period heís really out of it because that period stuff isnít taught to guys, and girls donít talk about it. Itís one of the "female mysteries." Even the fat, ugly girls donít tell you anything about it. But then, how many guys ever think theyíre going to get their period?

Anyway, I know that the object of a Kotex is to soak up stuff, and so it has to go in the hole. And that also is the object of a Tampax, which is much, much smaller than a Kotex and is shaped a little different but is made out of the same stuff and smells like toilet paper, too. So it was obvious that the Kotex must go in the vagina hole because that hold was the biggest of the holes down there, and the Tampax must go in the rear end because it was smaller. The third hole is for taking a leak, but itís so tiny that I donít know what you could shove up there, and I never saw a commercial for anything smaller than a Tampax so I just left it alone.

Now I know why there are couches in girlsí bathrooms. You need them to lay down on to get the Kotex in your vagina and the Tampax in your butt. A Kotex, you know, is about as big as half a box of Kleenex, and it doesnít slide too well. But anyway, after shoving for about ten minutes I got most of it up there. Getting the Tampax in my ass was a little easier but it hurt more.

So there I was with this giant wad of stuff in my vagina and another wad in my rear end. I guessed it was all fixed up, but it sure was hard to walk normal with all that crap in my holes. No wonder women get so crabby when they get their periods. I was pretty crabby myself about having to go through all that, and I felt real sorry for all the girls and I also felt pissed off at the female period supply companies for making their products too big and too hard to put in and not slippery enough.

Anyway, I got home and everything, and by about 4:00 my period stopped and I took a bubble bath. My parents came home about 5:00. It was real weird being around my dad when I had a vagina. But it wasnít so weird around my mom, and I helped her cook dinner, which was fun. I made the frozen peas and mashed up the potatoes and I did really good, and it wasnít boring or anything, which was neat.

During dinner I got a phone call. It was my best friend, Dan. He asked how my groin, which was bleeding at the swim meet, was and I said it was O.K. and it was just nothing and it was all gone away, and he asked if I was still going to go with him and Jeff and Steve and Steveís cousin, who goes to junior college, and I said no, and he got pissed off because before I said I would and I said no again, and he asked why not, but I couldnít tell him the real reason why so I said O.K. and he said, "Great! Weíre going to get high and look for girls."

I finished dinner, and my sister Kristen, gave me a whole bunch of shit about hogging the bathroom and leaving hair in the sink, and I started to cry and my mom told Kristen to shut up, and I went upstairs to steal another pair of her underpants, because the other ones were buried in the back yard along with my pants. By the way, donít flush Kotexes down the toilet, because they back it up, which is what happened in our downstairs bathroom, and there was a big fight between my dad and my younger sister, Mandy, who is thirteen, for flushing Kotex, and she screamed, "I donít have my time of the month, itís Kristen!" And Kristen screamed back, but louder because she is nineteen and really an asshole, "I donít even use Kotex, you little shit!" That earned her no car for two weeks, and finally my old man got so embarrassed listening to his daughters fight about periods that he left and said he was going to the hardware store to buy some washers for his sailboat. Boy, what would he have done if he knew it was my Kotex that caused the trouble?

I was not in love with the idea of going out with all those guys, but at about 8:00 they showed up, and while I took one last look at my face and hair and checked to see if there was anything up my nose, the guys joked around downstairs with my dad. Finally, my dad got sick of them and yelled at me to come down, and I did.

I was the last guy to be picked up so I had to sit in the back seat in the middle, which is not a great place to sit. I had Steve on one side of me and Steveís cousin, who goes to junior college, Jim, on the other side. Up in front Dan was driving and Jeff was shotgunned, and there was a case of Strohís beer in the middle. We smoked some joints and drank and talked and listened to Ace Frehleyís solo album (he is the guy who plays lead for KISS), which I used to love but suddenly did not love anymore, and I think I would have rather listened to Fleetwood Mac or Chuck Mangione or the Bee Gees, but even though I didnít like the music, I still sort of sang along with it like my sisters do. Jim told me to shut up. It hurt my feelings real bad, and I almost wanted to cry.

I was real quiet (except for singing that time) because my vagina was sort of pulsating and throbbing. I think it was doing that because of the Kotex being up there before, and also my butt was in pain. Everybody wanted to know why I was so quiet and I said I didnít feel too good. I you ever want a bunch of guys my age to leave you alone, donít tell them you donít feel too good, because if they know that something is wrong they will attack you and take advantage of you and try to make you feel worse, which is just what Jeff did when he turned around in the seat and looked right at my face and said, "Ass Patrol on alert!" "Alright!" Dan shouted. And I freaked out inside.

Ass Patrol is the same as mooning, and mooning is hanging your ass out of a car window, and I couldnít hang my ass out of the window because (a) I was wearing my sisterís underpants, and (b) the vagina was right in front of my ass. "Itís your turn, Larry," Dan said. "Flash flesh."

"I canít," I said. "I have a cold."

"Bullshit!"

"Fuck you!"

No matter how much I said no they said yes, and they would have pulled my pants down and shoved my ass out (they were so drunk and high), and the dangerous part about that is when you are going sixty-five miles an hour and a bunch of drunk guys are trying to get your butt out the window, you can fall out and die or get into a crash and have to die with your pants down and have people laugh at you for the rest of your lifeóand even laugh louder when you have a vagina! So I said I would do it then. On top of everything terrible that had happened, Steveís cousin said, "Why donít we moon the drive-in window at the Burger King?"

Everybody through that was the coolest thing they ever heard, and we turned around and headed back for the Burger King. One good thing was that it gave me time to figure out how to put my ass out without revealing my sisterís underpants or the vagina and also to get my pants ready so that I could do it quietly and get it over with. Except everything got fucked up because Dan was too busy trying to watch and not busy enough driving, and he crashed into the Burger King and I flew forward into the front seat and I hit my head on the ashtray. I knew I was in big trouble because I could see four faces staring at the beaver I was flashing.

"Itís a cunt!"

"Larryís got a cunt!"

"Itís real!"

I didnít do anything except almost shit in my pants, which were down by my knees. And do you know what else? All the people who worked at the Burger King were crowded in the window looking at my vagina. I think they must have thought I was a girl but still, shit, thatís super embarrassing! Dan suddenly got smart and saw that he was going to get into trouble for hitting a Burger King, so he pulled out into the street and swerved to miss a car and we were gone.

"Far out!" Steve said.

"Itís incredible, look at it!"

I just laid there, mainly because of the position I was in I couldnít do anything else. My head was down on the floor and my back was on the beer and my legs were hanging over the back seat, and there was a guy on either side of me and two guys in the back about a foot from my vagina, just staring like morons. Then the guy from junior college reached out and touched it.

"Get out of there!" I screamed!

"Whereís your dork?" Jeff asked me.

"Whatís happened to you?" Dan said.

Then the guy from junior college tried to open my legs up, and I kicked him but he just started laughing like an animal and then he made me faint when he said, "Letís fuck Larry!"

Oh, God! I was in deep-shit trouble!

When I woke up, the car was parked at the golf course and my pants were completely off. I tried to get up but no one would help me.

"You canít fuck me!" I said. "I am a guy!"

That sort of slowed them down, and they were all quiet for a minute and then Dan said that I was right. But then Jeff said, "If heís a guy, whatís he doing with that!"

"You know what?" Steve said, like he suddenly figured out what was going on but he really didnít, "Larryís a girl whoís been pretending to be a guy and has always been girl!"

"I have not," I said. "You guys have seen myÖ"

Nope, I never had gym with any of those guys and as far as I knew they never saw my "thing" out in the open, and it didnít make any difference because they were so drunk and high that I think I could have been a zebra and they wouldnít have known it.

"I donít want to take any chances on being a homo," Dan said.

"Itís a vagina, dumb shit!" Jeff said.

"You canít be a homo if itís a vagina."

"Yeah," Dan said, "I guess so."

"Letís do it," Steve said.

"Is it O.K. with you, Larry?"

"No!" I screamed!

I was scared shit and I was struggling like crazy and normally I could have whipped those guys in about one and a half minutes, but I just didnít have any muscles left. I have to admit this and itís really gross and disgusting and horrible and a nightmare butÖmy friends all fucked me.

Everything worked out O.K., I guess. I never talked to those guys again and they never talked to me, either, and then my Dad got transferred to California and we moved there in the summer, so I donít know what happened to them, except I heard that Steveís cousin joined the navy and got thrown out for setting fire to a guyís bed. The vagina went away after a few months. The "little thing" just got bigger and bigger until one day it was my regular guyís thing again. It doesnít bother me any more that I had the vagina. I mean, it didnít make me insane or anything. I guess the worst thing that happened was that I had to use up most of my money I was saving for new skis and waste my Easter vacation having to get an abortion.

THE END


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